onceandfutureglow's Blog

I log on this morning to read about part of Destry's house falling apart. Scooby is investigating a juice diet. Other people's stories about problems at work and with their (sometimes not so)significant others or kids. Hell. My own issues are bigger than this blog. But at this very moment, I am quiet irritated at EP. Because of the new profile.

Most people are wondering "Which new profile????" And I must tell you that Glowy has become an old codger. I'm like the EP version of that old lady in the store who still wants to handwrite out her check, and painstakingly fill in her ledger while fifty people behind her are holding debit cards and being irritated. The "new" profile has been around for what, a year now? Maybe more? Some of us embraced it. Some of us grumbled but switched. Some of us flip-flopped between the two for a while but eventually succumbed to the change.

I didn't like it. I have hated it since EPJulio posted the sample page maybe 2 years ago. I was among those who begged them to leave it alone. I have been through I think 3 or 4 "whole new looks" since I joined EP. And I like the old version. They said it's okay. We won't make you change. We'll let you keep the old one. 

But the one thing I like about the new one is the moods. I like that I can type in a mood. And it was fine. Because I could change back and forth between the old and new. But now...I can't. It says "Upgrade now".

Will I lose my beloved old profile forever if I do it? 

I'm miffed.

I know there are bigger problems in the world. Even in my own world.

But right now, I'm just feeling "a bit like shaking my fist at EP admin"

But I can't. Because the drop-down list doesn't have that one...

Son, can you play me a memory
I'm not really sure how it goes
But it's sad and it's sweet and I knew it complete
When I wore a younger man's clothes.

I just looked at my blog...almost two months since I wrote here. Things are so fast lately. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my grip on everything. Can't blink...I'll miss something. But there are too many things...

Last year, I sat here at my computer every day. There were weeks at a time when I never left my house other than to take LB to school and back and get groceries. Nothing different. Groundhog's day. I think part of my problem is that I lack the time and freedom for introspection that I enjoyed then. Ok..I am realizing there needs to be some back story here. Too much that I haven't written about..

The main thing is my new job. It's great. I love it. It is fun. It's interesting. It is not in the field that I had chosen. But it is definitely something I can see myself doing in ten years. The big thing is..location. The job is over a thousand miles away. It started with telecommuting. But now, there is travel. Also great. But I miss my kids. I just spent two weeks away from them. Home for three weeks, gone for another week, home for a few days...and then, going there to look for an apartment.

This is scary.

So Peter Pan and I have a very iffy relationship at this point. Still more often like strange cats in a room together than anything else. But we're getting better. He's okay with the move. Other than the boys. He wants them for a month. I know this is the right thing to do by him. But then...I wonder...because he doesn't need them like I do. He doesn't cry for them when they're not with him. He doesn't miss their little voices...their sweet litle hugs and kisses. He just wants them because it's what is right. He's being a father now. It's a good thing. But needs....what do they need? What does he need? What do I need? Is there something that accomodates us all?

I don't know...

I just know that being on the webcam with my children isn't enough for me. I was never made to be far from those I hold dear.

And so the last few nights, I have found myself back here, on EP. Searching again. I'm not sure what I am trying to find. This place is just so strongly associated in my head with good things. Not always answers. But something to calm the currents that fill my mind.

But then I don't want to write. Who will read? I haven't been a very good friend lately. Too tangled in my own life. I come here..I read but don't comment. Sometimes I just come and look at your avatars, to feel close to you somehow. To remember simpler times. When there were no answers, so we just tried to help each other forget about our lives.

I want to know about you. What you're doing. But I pull away again because I can't. It's too overwhelming. Where do I start? Try to track blogs and stories of everyone? Or just come here and comment on my old stories..Just jump back in? It seems wrong somehow. Like casual sex. A Glowy Drive-by.  Don't know how long I'm in for this time, so I'll just hop right in and enjoy the party while I'm here. No stories because my mind is too complicated.

And so I pull back. Because it's what I do. Make myself less because I feel exposed. Don't ask for anything because I don't feel I have the right to do that anymore.

And the waitress is practicing politics
As the businessman slowly gets stoned
Yes, they're sharing a drink they call loneliness
But it's better than drinkin' alone

There is a song that I've loved since I the very first time I heard it. (Go ahead and click away from this blog if you're sick of me talking about little known artist and personal idol, Sandra McCracken....) The lyrics are beautifully written as always.  A line in the song, "Spare change in my pocket, falling from my jeans - you are fading from my dreams with each sunrise." has always seemed like one of the truest statements about losing a relationship of any kind. 

As I was playing through my small-ish repertoire for the kids the other night, the words to this song just hit home. And I was sad. Played through the song another time or two, thinking of Peter Pan. Remembering the good and bad times, and feeling sorry that it was over. Yeah, you get that, I know. It is all I have been writing for a few weeks now. The song is about losing control. About change. "Like a traincar running off the track - you can run behind, but you cannot get it back. When the change comes like the splitting of wood. Like the plow blade turns the soil on the ground"...Undoable. Once the tree is chopped down, you can never have that tree again. But...the next part...didn't really hit me for a long time.

"When the change comes, like it should. You gotta die before you live. Something's got to give for you to find what comes after"

This marriage...

I've been fighting to save it for so long. Fighting to keep us together because I knew that the change, like her traincar, her wood being chopped up...would be irreversible. I don't like those things. I don't like bridges burned. I like to be able to go back if I make a mistake. Try again. I'm a child of the "CTRL Z" era. The undo button is one of my favorites. It's gone now...and I've been lamenting the loss. Because we can't go back.

But as I've been playing this song..."Something's got to give for you to find what comes after"....There is something more for me. There is something more for our children. I have to believe that.

We had a talk this morning. A real, honest, incredible talk. I'd made up my mind to be fair to him. To do what was right. I agreed to letting him have the kids as much as he can. Up to half the time. It is ripping my heart out. But he is being a dad to them. And it's not fair to deprive them (or him) of that. To try to keep them (which I could, and would win if it went to court..) would be only a matter of me being angry at him for not doing this while he was at home.

See...I've been so upset. Because I didn't want to lose them. To share them. Because I never thought I'd have to. Because he never cared. I have felt that it was unfair of him to suddenly take an interest. Deprive me of what I've always wanted and needed - my children. I don't want to lose a second with them, but they're gone for almost a week...and I miss them so much I can barely breathe. But the fair thing...

And I have to do what's fair.

We talked today. I cried. He even teared up a little. We love our kids. There was lots of hugging. Lots of honesty. Talking about future plans. Talking about how much we hate things being like this. Admitting again the faults in our relationship. I don't think he hates me. But I said I was sorry. For all I've done to hurt him. None of it was intentional. But I feel better for saying the words.

It's still awkward. I think there is a part of both of us that really wishes this separation wasn't working out so well. Hope that we would have needed each other. But we don't. We're both doing just fine alone. Let the last vestiges of "us" drain away. All that's left now is paperwork. And I think we're ready to start that. It hurts so much still.

"Write the words. Memorize the frame, it's so bittersweet to leave you again..."

Ah, Mr Glow. It was a good run. It really was. No one ever made me love as deeply. Or made me as angry as you did. We did a lot in these last twelve years. Saw a lot. Dreamed a lot. Grew a lot. I will always love you. And I hope we can continue growing in this new role together. Finally as parents. As a unit living separately.

And although I didn't write it, tonight, I dedicate this song to you...

So if you've missed it, the former MrGlow has been renamed to Peter Pan. I know, perfect, right? Off the wall reference, and that's all I can think of him as now.

The last I wrote, he was being an ass. He's angry. I get that. He says things...its' bad. But as I keep saying, he's not a bad person. Just bad for me.

We've been up and down the last few days. And now I'm so confused. Peter Pan, but we're in Wonderland instead of Neverland. And he is the Cheshire Cat, sneaking up and surprizing me with the oddest things.

I'm trying to get him to talk to me. About the kids. About this divorce. About everything. I know he hates this, but some things can't be avoided.

The other night, I met him on lunch to go look at air conditioners because ours is broken and it's effing HOT here. Just needed his help to see what size I needed. After we look a bit we're talking, and he has to go back to work. He takes both hands and puts them on top of mine, talking. I didn't even hear what he was saying, I was so shocked. He's called me both "Sweetie" and "Baby" in the last three days.

And the crowning jewel? Today he was over picking up the boys, and as he left, he grabbed my neck and pulled me into him, like he used to. He very nearly kissed my forehead. I think he realized what he was doing mid pull, and instead, pulled my head to his chest in a hug. Maybe I stiffened? Just from shock...

What does it all mean? I don't really know. I'm inclined to think that he's coming around. Giving in to this new relationship, as weird as it is. We're both much better alone, no matter how much I wish that wasn't the case. We were very intimate friends before we started dating. A kiss on the cheek or forehead, holding hands or walking arm in arm.

Is it too much to hope that we're getting back to that?

There are still no papers, but he's supposed to come by in the morning after he drops the Little Bird off for school. We're going to talk. Hopefully we can work something out. Hopefully we'll both be able to see this for what it is...and be able to come to an agreement. Realize that we're not enemies. Realize that the kids are the important thing here.

It's a shitty place to be. I just hope we don't have to be shity to each other. Maybe that's silly. But I'm Pollyanna, remember?

I am in an alternate universe, I think.

Just when I'm about to give up on EP....something always happens to make me come back.

I love the serious side of EP. But I miss the fast paced silliness we used to share here. When five or six stories would rack up 100 comments each in the course of a few hours. Bouncing around so fast. So hard to keep up with the commenting.

Last night, we had a teensy taste of that again. And it was great.

I was just talking to Scooby the other night. I told him I was going to commit to being here again. Just for a little while each day, but I'd try to make it be the same time every day. I haven't decided on the time yet. Going to wait until after the holiday. I am leaving tomorrow morning early for New Years festivities in Memphis, and won't be back until Monday night, but when I get back -- watch out.

It's just so weird. It's like a draw or something. Things had been so quiet, and yesterday I log in, and Scooby's here...and Myo. And then Smuggles. And Sylph came on for a bit. Karumbey. AND. (this  usually wouldn't be cause for comment, but it is now) Des.

So many of the old EPeeps.

And I realized what my issue is. I want the old EPeeps to know the new EPeeps. And play with them.

So the piratey Glowy is here for the time being. I'm just dressed in case there is adventure to be had. And there better be. Because I'm not gonna be a happy pirate if there isn't.

This has been a super busy time for me. Hell, this year has been super busy. It seems like everyone I have spoken to this Christmas at different functions has talked about how incredibly hectic 2010 has been. Just in general. And this Christmas especially.

Inversely, the actual festivities have been amazingly calm and good. Everyone sitting around with these looks on their faces that clearly said -- We made it We got the shopping and the cooking done and everyone all in this room.. There was almost a collective sigh of relief as soon as the function "started". And everyone was calm and content.

Me? The holidays are more surreal to me than they ever have been. Even the Christmas after my mama died wasn't this weird. In my mind, I'm telling all of these extended relatives goodbye. I'm hugging the kids for what I feel will be the last time, but no one really knows besides me.

The kids don't know that we're splitting up. Haven't figured out how to say it to them yet. Just letting them have Christmas. Just letting things be and relax and flow for a little bit of time. I think everyone deserves a little respite on occasion. Even if that respite is the calm before the storm.

New Year, New goals...

I've had a lot of time to think over the last few days. Lots of cooking and shopping and wrapping and cleaning, and that gives me the time to really mull over things in my head. Nothing to distract me, just me.

EP has been so quiet lately. Not really, I guess. But the people who have always made EP be my haven are not here as much. Guess I can't say anything. I haven't been here lately either. Another moment of things slipping through my fingers. And real life is more persistent than the cyber world.

I miss the clarity I had here. I miss the sort of identity I had found for myself here. "Glowy". Maybe I am still that. But it's like those people who keep the band name with only one member still around. It would be like Paul McCartney deciding to hire three emo kids and saying it was a Beatles reunion. Not the same. That defining moment is over. It will never be again. The particular group of people we had was so amazing. They were so real. And so up for anything. We played here so much. Like little kids all grown up but still pulling our pirate sutis out and goofing off at night. Learning not to sweat the small stuff. Or at least forget about it for a little while. Being able to support each other through the rough spots. I can't explain it even though I've tried so hard so many times.

EP evolves. It always has. You see that when you've been here as long as I have. People change. They move through their crises. and don't need it anymore. They get disillusioned with the cyber world and slip away. Their lives get too complicated and they don't have time for it. They come here, like people heading to their favorite bar, but find that no one they know is here. There's a new crowd. and they're friendly, but they're not the ones who know you best of all. 

These people shaped me. They shaped me with their words. They knocked me over with their concern. They loved me through my craziness. They made me laugh so hard my sides hurt. They allowed me to see their vulnerabilities.

And I guess I just miss that.

*sigh*

Well, I wasn't in a sad mood. I was going to write about Christmas. (which was good). But this is what came out, so this is what will stay.

I will say...New Years is going to be a better blog. All the reflection I've been doing belongs in that one anyway. We'll just see if I'm better at summing up an entire year than I am in summing up this crazy little holiday.

I hope everyone is finding some peace...some respite...some calm...and, dare I say, happiness.



*******************EDIT***********************

I just reread this, and it seems like I'm talking bad about the new folks around here. I'm not. That's not what this was about. I love the new people, and love that someone is giving this place life. This was just a blog about missing the ones who aren't here much anymore. Reminiscing. The new people are great too. Sorry if I implied that I thought otherwise, because I don't!! : )

This is always a problem for me. Always has been. Too many things to do to for something as silly as sleep to get in the way...



Sleep

looking straight at the light
it never used to be that bright last night
but it's a new day with fuzz in my eyes
alarm is still ringing when I open the blinds
how do these people do it
they are like driving around like there's nothing to it
I imagine it's like the medication their on
or probably just the coffee but
one thing is certain in life

and that is that today I'm going to eat cereal
I mean come on let's get our priorities straight
but before I know it I'm out the door late
just trying to catch some rat or some race
or something I'm not quite sure what it is
so for now I just best keep moving
and by nine a.m. my brain and my body
finally decide to meet
and we come to the same conclusion as yesterday
that I never get enough sleep

CHORUS:
sleep, no I never get enough
always waking up tired
sleep, no I never get enough
if I don't show up I might get fired
sleep, no I never get enough
always waking up tired
sleep, no I never get enough
if I don't show up I might get fired

they call it commuting
but I think they should call it intravenous
cause it's what I need every time I get
stuck behind a truck, just trying to turn left
just trying to turn left, why are you trying to turn left
why don't you park your silly cube van
hop in I'll drop you off

cause at this rate we'll both be late
but I'd rather be late than sitting here doing nothing
and by nine a.m. my brain and my body
finally decide to meet
and we come to the same conclusion as yesterday
that I never get enough sleep

BRIDGE:
sleep go on and sleep some more
sleep go on and sleep some more

I'll say it over and over...I do love this boy and his guitar.

He has a way of speaking to my soul...in almost everything he does

Sweet dreams and flying machines in pieces on the ground. Yeah. That's about my life right now.





I've seen fire and I've seen rain. I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end. I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend - but I always thought I'd see you one more time again.

Trying to figure out what it's like moving on. I don't even know what kind of things I said. My mouth kept moving but my mind went dead. picking up the pieces now where to begin the hardest part of ending is starting again....



Waiting For The End


This is not the end
This is not the beginning,
Just a voice like a riot
Rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone
And the violent rhythm
Though the words sound steady
Something empty's within 'em

We say Yeah!
With fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something
That's invisible there,
'Cause we're living at the mercy of
The pain and the fear
Until we dead it, Forget it,
Let it all disappear.

Waiting for the end to come
Wishing I had strength to stand
This is not what I had planned
It's out of my control....

Flying at the speed of light
Thoughts were spinning in my head
So many things were left unsaid
It's hard to let you go...

(Oh!) I know what it takes to move on,
I know how it feels to lie,
All I wanna do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got

Sitting in an empty room
Trying to forget the past
This was never meant to last,
I wish it wasn't so...

(Oh!) I know what it takes to move on,
I know how it feels to lie,
All I wanna do
[ From : http://www.elyrics.net/read/l/linkin-park-lyrics/waiting-for-the-end-lyrics.html ]
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got

What was left when that fire was gone?
I thought it felt right but that right was wrong
All caught up in the eye of the storm
And trying to figure out what it's like moving on
And i don't even know what kind of things I've said
My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead
So, picking up the pieces, now where to begin?
The hardest part of ending Is starting again!!

All I wanna do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what i haven't got...

This is not the end
This is not the beginning,
Just a voice like a riot
Rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone
And the violet rhythm
Though the words sound steady
Something empty's within 'em
(Holding on to what i haven't got)

We say Yeah!
With fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something
That's invisible there,
'Cause we're living at the mercy of
The pain and the fear
Until we dead it, Forget it,
Let it all disappear
(Holding on to what i haven't got!)

My mood: a bit like the sky is falling

Spilled minutes...A comment by CoyoteGrey on a blog I wrote last summer. He's not in my circle, and my normally "friends only" blogs accidentally was posted as public. But he read, and commented. And his words have been rolling around in my head ever since. What am I losing by spilling my minutes? I stall, telling myself that everything is okay because I'm going to make the right decision.  But in the end -- everything falls. There are too many things, too heavy for these hands to hold, and they slip. I sit at the edge of this cliff I've been on for months now, and I want it all. Hold it all. Toxic things. Heavy things. Mingled in are things that could be something beautiful. I can't let go of any of them, and I'm left to watch my dreams tumble into the waves below. All of them. The ones that can never be as well as the ones that I might achieve.

So.

A song finally came out of this jumble.




Everything Falls

Time drips through the hourglass of my life                                        
Mesmerizing me with the flowing of the sands                                        
Too late I wonder if I could be doing better                                        
Try to catch these minutes but they slip right through my hands            

Can't hold them all, can't choose                                                    
Everything falls, I lose...                                                                    
What am I losing?                                                                        

Crossroads before me, I stare in each direction                                    
Paralyzed by the fear of the unknown                                            
I'm treading water but it feels more like quicksand                            
I want two things, but I just can't have them both                                

Can't hold them all, can't choose                                                    
Everything falls, I lose...                                                                    
What am I losing?                                                                        

Seems everyone around me is managing their minutes
Keeping them safe until they fit into their plans
But mine are spilling out while I stand there looking foolish
The moment's gone and I can't get it back again

Can't hold them all, can't choose                                                    
Everything falls, I lose...                                                                    
What am I losing?                                                                        

How do I find the courage to let go
And hear my heart's small voice
And how do I make myself understand
Not choosing is still a choice

Can't hold them all, can't choose                                                    
Everything falls, I lose...                                                                    
What am I losing?                                                                       

MonkeyBizzness is back?

Hide your daughters and lock up the bananas everyone!!!

Music soothes me when all else fails.

There might be a song in that line...Anyone? Anyone??

I haven't been able to play lately. It's just a weird time for me emotionally. I pick up the guitar and just want to put it back down. Started writing a few songs, but can't really play them out. I have words, but no melody. And the melody is what makes the words flow together. Movies playing in my head. Dreams troubling me way into my waking hours. I think I am a sociopath or something. I feel like Holden Caufield in "Of Mice and Men"...my inner dialouge is just out of control. Add to that these drugs I'm still taking, and my head is more muddled than usual.

I run to music, but there is no song that fits. Or the ones that seem to fit are just old ones that are comforting somehow. I think I might be in danger of tiring myself completely of James Taylor. Old Caedmon's Call and Derek Webb stuff. 80's rock. Zeppelin. Elton John. Buffett. Beatles. Cat Stevens. Simon and Garfunkel. Just pouring out of my speakers and hitting this brick wall. Nothing fits, and I feel naked.

So today, I'm sitting on the couch, and Leo brings me my guitar. "Mommy. You need to write a song." (Matter of fact in the way that only four-year-olds can manage. This is something that is not only easy to do at a moment's notice, but also something that must be done. Period.) I take the guitar a little hesitantly, and my audience of one sits down on the floor in front of me and looks up expectantly. I play the lullaby I wrote for them a few weeks ago. Play a little JB. A little Beatles. Just start playing. Playing like I love to...chords flowing into each other. No songs. Just music.

Leo smiles...and my heart is full. I love that he loves music. Love that he is so in tune to me...he is four, but knows what his Mama needs.

I've barely put the guitar down all evening. Just revisiting old songs, poking around trying to figure out new ones. Haven't written anything yet, but I'm not worried about that. The songs come when they come. You can't force these things.

Music is beautiful to me. It just gets into my soul...picks me up, eases me when I'm down. and soars with me when I'm flying high. I can't imagine a world without music. And so very thankful am I that I persevered and learned to make it on my own...

I've been trying to write this for a long time now. Or rather, I'd wanted to write it for a long time, but it always felt too forced. My songwriting has always come by inspiration. It's usually fast, and born of a phrase, lyrical or musical. When I "try" to write, it always sounds dreadful.  So while Leo and I were on our little vacation last week, I wrote the little riff that repeats throughout this song. Kept playing it, but no words came. And last night, as I was playing the boys to sleep, the words came...and a song was born.

Boys are different, as Destry and Lilt and Jersey Tomato will tell you. They are their own special creatures, and this lullaby tries to capture all of the beauty of being a parent to a little boy. It is the half-lament, half-celebration that I feel every night when I put them to bed. Another day gone. So full, such adventure, and all the amazement of childhood revisited through their eyes. So hard for them to go to sleep. Too much to see and do. I didn't do them justice, but it's a hard thing to do. Mommy's heart in music. : )

So the song...is rough. Very rough. The guitar sounds horrific, but the bathroom seems to be the only room in my house that you can hear the lyrics over the guitar. (Can someone pleeeease get me a studio? Pretty please?)

Anyway...the song.

Lullaby for my Little Guys:

Lay your head down, little one
The day is over now, the moon shines down
Tomorrow's a new day - so many things to see
New wonders to be found

Close your eyes and dream
Of the pictures we'll paint and the monsters we'll fight
Rainbows dancing in your shining eyes
All fresh in the morning light

Rest now, my love, all the dragons are slain
Towers built, cars crashed - and such a big track for your train!
Sleep tight young soldier, now, Mommy's standing guard
You have to wake up tomorrow and do it all again

Be still now, sweet boy
We've climbed the mountains and sailed the seas
Little legs need to rest, let your mind wander
Even superheroes need to dream

Sleep comes now, don't fight
Your eyelids heavy with a day of play
You are so big, growing up so fast
But in dreams you'll always be my baby

Rest now, my love, all the dragons are slain
Towers built, cars crashed - and such a big track for your train!
Sleep tight young soldier, now, Mommy's standing guard
You have to wake up tomorrow and do it all again

Rest now, my love, all the dragons are slain
Towers built, cars crashed - and such a big track for your train!
Sleep tight young soldier, now, Mommy's standing guard
You have to wake up tomorrow and do it all again

Not sure where I'm going with this one.

I usually type out my blogs in Word. Cut and paste here. I don't know why, but I feel like I am more in control of my words when that is the case? Easier to edit, harder to ramble. Maybe it recalls all of those useless papers I wrote in college. I'm in a writing frame of mind when I see the cursor blinking at me on Word. Blogging is just so random. I can say anything. It doesn't even matter if I have a point.

Which brings me back to the (non)point.

Internet troubles at home. Again. Stealing wi-fi in town, sneaking in to read PMs at work. Missing the stories. Missing everyone.

Blah.

I think if I could just get my spunkiness back, everything would work out just fine. I just feel so blah. Almost numb. But not the true numb that I fight with sometimes. Just detached somehow. Emotional moments followed by this feeling of being away from myself. Maybe it's just my brain's defense mechanisms trying to keep me from being too stressed out. I feel ok. But at the same time, I'm worn to a very thin thread here. Everything has been piling up for very nearly a year now, and the Holidays are approaching again, and I can' do that again. I swore to myself last Christmas that I was going to find my way out of this hole by then. Figure out where my marriage was going, where my life was going. And although in some ways, I have made a ton of progress toward that goal, in others -- I halfway feel like I've been going backwards.

And all the stress of this marriage and everything else that surrounds it and me and him and the boys and my father and my job and everything else....just has me frazzled. I am generally happier because of the movement, but it's a thin candy shell around this roiling center of raw nerves. Hershey's has never made an M&M so unpalatable.

So, ANYWAY. I am still alive. Still kicking and screaming - albeit still kicks and silent screams.

Life goes on, ob la di ob la da...

I shall return soon. Very soon.

Hopefully with something better to say than this.


This has been a Public Service Announcement. Stay tuned for further information.

Haven't been around much the last couple of days.

Not really bad days, just annoying days. Not really annoying as in any one huge annoying thing...just sort of like being attacked by a thousand gnats. A steady stream of a thousand gnats buzzing around your head.

The perfect example?

The office phones are forwarded to my cell phone. Lets me work from home a lot of the time. Good mostly. SO I get this call yesterday as I was driving home. I don't know the number, so answer with the company name.

Yeah. What's the name of the sod farm there?

Um...I..am not sure?

But there's only one. You have to know.

I am sorry. I don't. (Trying to figure out his point.)

Well. I have to meet a guy up there, and I need to know the name of it.

Are you supposed to meet Keith? Or Greg? Steve? (The owner always does this stuff, and expects me to set it up but never tells me, so I spend a lot of my time trying to make this business NOT look like a 3 ring circus...)

Naw. I just need to know the name of that sod farm. I don't have your phone book here. (Keith has advertising slots on several community magnets for several of the surrounding communities. I'm assuming this guy saw the only number for our town on that magnet.)

I wish I could help you, but I don' t know the name of the sod farm, sir.

Someone in that office has to know.

I'm sorry. I'm in my car. Driving. There is no one here but me.

For real?

Indeed.

Well, what's the number to something else in town?

(Seriously?? Why don't I hang up on this man? I am to nice. Waaay too nice for my own good.)

Sir, I don't know the numbers to any local businesses off the top of my head. I'm driving down the road right now. I'd look up the number if I was in the office, but I'm not. I'm sorry I can't help you.

You don't know any numbers?

(Why would I lie??? SIlence is best here...)

What's the number to the police department?

(Forced cheery tone)

 9-1-1. Good luck. Have a good day.



Yeah. So a lot of things like that. And tonight, I broke the pin thingie that makes my l laptop charge, so I'm on an oooold half broken thing that's from MrG's spare parts stuff for his computer business.

Here's hoping that the HP store in town has my power supply in stock. And that the warranty covers it.

Sweet Baby James. He makes me sad...but I do love this boy and his guitar.

 

We have a drive-in movie theater close to my house. On Monday nights, ten bucks gets you (and however many people you can pack into your vehicle) two movies and as many mosquitos as you can handle. Only in the South, I think...looking at these cars that would awe Barnum and Bailey's best clowns. Watching some of the cars unload you can't help wondering if this is part of the entertainment. Is there a hole under that car?? How did they fit twelve people, two big coolers, seven lawn chairs, four blankets, and several lawn games into a Honda Accord? People get there early. Take up four parking spaces with the things they bring. I can only hope that they've parked across the street and these kids aren't actually riding any distance in this death trap. The kids play out in the big field in front of the screen while we wait for that elusive moment when the sky is dark enough to see the screen. We take the bench seat out of the back of the van and pile pillows up in the back, open the back hatch and try to not touch each other until it cools off a little. The first movie is always a kids movie and the second is usually for grown-ups. Not a bad deal, I guess. Plus, I can go in my pjs. : )
 
Since the Little Bird starts school at the end of this week, we're trying pack in a few last fun things. Water park today, drive-in last night. Saw Despicable Me and Grown-ups. Pretty funny movies. Kids asleep after the first movie. As the second movie's credits start rolling, we're sitting on a blanket outside. I look up.
 
There are a million stars out.
 
I have always been in awe of the stars. Lie down on your back and hold your hand out in front of your face...there is so much distance there. Forever between you and these tiny glowing dots. Perspective. Feeling so tiny.
 
And I wonder...why can't I be here? In this moment? Why can't I love him like I did? How do I seperate the offenses of the past from the here and now? I've been reading your advice. Be careful, patient, weigh things against other things. Tekk says that "sacred vows are so because you make them sacred" and that when you break the bonds, you mend them.
 
I'm trying to see if I can do that. To really give this one last chance. Actually try this time. I see some effort on his part. And some vulnerability. And it pulls me in. If he needs me...if he can want me...then I owe it to him to try.
 
So today, we went to a water park. It was a lot of fun. But getting there...was a trial, as it always is. On the way, I'm reiterating that I'm done. That I want out. And he says I'm a hypocrite. See, I have a friend who I'm talking to about his  marriage. I wrote his wife a letter...imploring her to give it another chance. Among my words - you two love each other. It would he a tragedy if you let everything you had go. It was so special before. Listen to each other with open hearts. Be honest. Be real. Blah, blah, blah...But MrG says that I should take my own advice.
 
Maybe.
 
Maybe I could. It's just such a shift in thinking. Today I was thinking about it. How would I behave if there weren't eleven years of water under the bridge? Would I get so frustrated so easily? No, maybe not. But then. Eleven years has taught me that these things will never change.
 
I think. Maybe. If I could figure out how to catch each moment...and live it for what its worth. Try not to judge it by all of the previous moments. Or worry about future moments. Try to ignore the little voice that says I deserve something better. What if there is nothing better? What if this could be the best thing ever if I could have a little patience with him. He's talking more about finding someone to talk to. (finally!!) Maybe things don't have to be so bad. People can change. If they're motivated to. Maybe he's finally motivated to. He's a good man. Under all of the bullshit, he really, really is.
 
Is this a step? I don’t know. It feels like movement. I have doubts. But I guess I will no matter what. Always doubt myself until my choices are proven to be something. Again. Live in the moment.

Sitting on a blanket under a billion stars….wonder what would have happened if I’d taken his hand?

Hanging out on youtube. Trying to find something that fits my mood tonight. Mr Glow has been off the last two days. I've been drinking a little. Buzz has subsided. The Lion is sleeping next to me on the couch. Mr G and the Bird are on the other couch.

So much distance.

He's ten feet away,  but so many miles.

I'm so tired of crying. So tired of feeling like this. Like the last place, last one on anyone's list.

Worthless.

I find my heart reaching out without my permission. Not reaching out..but responding to simple kindness in ways that startle me. 

Today, at a business lunch, one of the guys pulled out the chair that I'd put my stuff at. I thought he was trying to sit there, and I started to move to the next seat. He gestured for me to sit. I blinked up at him, then murmered a quick "Thank you" and sat.

Such a small thing, but I'm so achingly devoid of real human kindness...I'm quiet. All through lunch. Wishing for something different. Wishes never go anywhere. I need action. And action takes motivation. Which I am apparently devoid of as well.

I need...

I need truths. Some truths that I believe in somehow. Some things I can cling to.

Other truths that I need to open my eyes to. Things that will never be what I want them to be. And that no amount of wishing will make them so. Stop being blinded by my beliefs and desires and come to grips with reality.

Love? Well that might or might not make the list. I'll let you know how that goes.

My mood: a bit sad

I am an obnoxious drunk.

Just so you guys know.

Two glasses of Jack and Diet Coke. So I could stand to be in the same room with him without getting irrritated.

The offense?

I laughed at my own joke.

(It was effing funny.)